whine.

yes. whinewhine complaincomplain. but where else better than here? okay down to it because i'm supposed to be sleeping now and clearly i am going to die of sleepiness tomorrow. but...

i'm so tired of all these kiasu competitive overachievers!! why is it that everywhere i turn they are all around? the worst thing is they will be snatching my jobs from me in future.. because i am just lazy and relaxed by nature! i just want to play and have fun. i don't want to keep planning ahead and torturing myself with having to get 4.0 after 4.0, internship after internship, leadership position after leadership position. i don't want to always have to sound so intellectual to impress others. i don't want to always have to "keep up with the times" and discuss potential implications of the Fed's new interest rate cut.

not that i was ever capable of doing/achieving all that.

%$@%#%^@^@$%^#%#$%

I know all my entries are really depressing but I probably only have the mood to blog when I'm really sad. Oh well, sorry it's my blog...

Have you ever had the feeling of being completely worthless? Like when you've let many people down, especially yourself, and you know it's completely your fault? And you wish with all your might that you can turn back time but sadly you know that's never going to happen?

Have you ever had the feeling of being good or working hard all your life, but unknowingly deciding to cut some slack at an extremely crucial point which unfortunately determines everything and completely disregards all that you've done before that?

Have you ever had the feeling of having to do so much to achieve a goal but not feeling like doing so because it's so hard; because you've tried before and failed; because you're not supposed to fail but it's too late?

Have you ever hated failure?

I have. Still do.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

- Matthew 11:28-30

<3

It's Chinese New Year in Singapore now, but I'm over here in the US, missing everyone like crazy and having to work on my Comm School application which is due tomorrow plus study for my COMM 202 quiz tomorrow.

Have been rather anti-social these few days because I wanna concentrate on finishing everything. Can't wait for this stupid app to be over so that I can quickly catch up on all my school work and then I'll be free to catch up with everyone else, chill out and relax! I know this semester is supposed to be serious... Need to work hard on getting those As. But I don't wanna be a total PRC either. I wanna have fun. But then again, I need to be careful... Argh, I can be so messed up sometimes.

Miserable.

Haha I was supposed to do this new blog justice by putting up a nice fanciful post with loads of pictures of my slack no-school worries-free (okay not really) life.. But sadly, I have failed miserably because I only took 3 photos last monday and the rest of the days I just forgot that I had a camera -.- so now all the photos are with my friends and I can't be bothered to plug in my camera to load 3 photos so that will just have to wait :)

Some highlights..

Tung Lok with my family (yum!)

Dinner with softballers (& suzy) at Hog's Breath :) it wasn't the usual crowd but it was unexpectedly fun! Ada brought her pro fuji camera and took dozens of Uber Unglam (haha sorry i love to alliterate) shots of everyone.. Thank God she's kind enough not to upload them on fb or my reputation will just go down the drain >.< suzy, while xian was attempting to take a photo: "xian how come I can see your eye?" hahahaha inside joke.. We had natural prime rib, honey mushroom steak and baby back ribs.. YUM :D I know I'm gonna get loads of this in US but what the heck.. We also had the Mississippi Mudpie! Not bad. Then it was desserts at Marmalade Pantry.. Sticky date toffee pudding will always have my heart <3

Lunch with si en and clara at Amirah's Grill and B Bakery in Bussorah Street :) nice quaint place and the desserts in B Bakery are nice! Hopefully I can go back there one more time before I leave..

Collected A level cert and yearbook.. Met ms chua. She's gonna do her Masters at Harvard!! So smart.. And RJ has become so much nicer! More air conditioned lounges and less of those ugly construction sites.. And I kinda miss RJ days. Softball days, long talks with friends in the canteen, slogging it out together just before As, the little pieces of gossip "omg they're together?!" "omg they had sex?!?!?!?!" hahahaha.. And of course, being in school keeps me fit and healthy! Now I'm like some slob.. Bleargh. But then again, life's still good now cos I can still see my friends and do fun stuff with them, not having to worry about rushing home to fuming parents who are gonna nag the death out of me about my pile of undone homework, revision and what not.. Oh well, I'll never be satisfied so I'll just have to make do.

Finally had a 4-of-us dinner at Geylang after ORA! Mong Kok dim sum, Lorong 9 beef kway teow and tau huey :D kinda sad that all 4 of us are headed in completely different directions, to completely different countries :( Ruoqi - history and political science at LSE, Resh - engineering and business at NUS, Deb - medicine at Trinity College in Ireland, Me - business at UVA in US. We've made all these grand plans to meet up during summer breaks, but somehow the pessimist in me doesn't really think it will work out.. But just as long as we do get to meet up and remain friends, I'll be more than happy :)

Wanted with denise! It was nice!!! Can't believe so many people said it's "okay only".. Angelina Jolie is cool beyond belief, the guy is cute haha.. Who cares if it's unbelievable? Anddd "Watermelon. The girls love it." hahahaha

Dinner at my grandma's place - she never fails to amaze me with her culinary skills. Steamed fish, vegetables, home made fishcake.. Sounds boring, but it is SO. FLAVORFUL. I have to learn cooking from her before I go! -makes a mental note-

Hung out with nat and sarah at Suntec B&Js for awhile :) the brownie is so hard!! And school is starting so soon! :( was supposed to ktv with deb but in the end both of us weren't in the mood so we just played pool for awhile. But we sucked so bad it was embarrassing so we just headed straight to dinner :) oh boy I haven't eaten so much in ages. I only eat this much with deb.. Tskkk we're bad for each other..

Almost midnight picnic with nat, sarah and seema! Seems made us wait for so long -.- buttt she made up for it with wine from her dad's wine fridge and a cool electric wine opener :) cheese, crackers, wine, polaroids, almost-full moon illuminating a rainbow (how cool is that!), gossip, updates ;), intoxicated chatter, dangerous light-headed hike down the hill.. We should do this one more time before school starts! I don't want it to start :(

I'm addicted to "I'm yours" by Jason Mraz! Such a peaceful (?) and happy song :) oh no I was supposed to reply my room mate's email but I spent goodness knows how long typing this :/ was supposed to reply her long ago! Ahaha racism.. I better restrain myself. Especially when I'm there. Wish me luck!